


Wouldn't That Be Wonderful

by unsuccesspool



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Consensual But Not Safe Or Sane, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Murder, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, slightly southern gothic, this comes from a really weird place and i just need to get this out of my brain, this ones gonna be real weird and sad guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-01 18:31:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15149279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsuccesspool/pseuds/unsuccesspool
Summary: "Maybe nothing was real not even himself oh god and wouldn't that be wonderful." - Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo.--------A vaguely Southern Gothic AU in which Hux has depression and Kylo helps him cope.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is going to be pretty sad and hard to understand, but this is more catharsis for myself than anything else. But hey, if someone can read this and feel like they're a little less alone, then I'm happy. Feel free to leave feedback and comments, as they are much appreciated. I promise I will update frequently. Each chapter will be very short.

Hux sat on the cushioned bench of the alcove and looked out the bay window. He gazed over the yard,over the street where the neighbor’s kids rode their tricycles. He looked through the quaking aspens which stood silent on the other side of the pavement, through the leaves which spun with the wind, their pale undersides flashing in the grey-blue light of the spring sun. He looked away long enough to pull a cigarette from the box on the window sill, and to light it with one of the matches in his pocket. He placed the cigarette between his lips, and his eyes went back to an unseen horizon line a thousand yards away. Hux heard Kylo enter the room, but he continued to stare out to window, taking a casual puff of his cigarette. 

“I’m not sure I can do this much longer,” Hux said. He did not take his gaze from the window.

Kylo’s footsteps halted. “Are you sure?” 

A long pause fell over the room. Hux took another puff before rolling up the sleeve of his dress shirt and putting out the cigarette on the skin of his wrist. The angry burn joined a hundred craters of the same size and shape. He kept staring forward. 

Kylo sat next to him, taking Hux’s scarred hands in his. “Look at me. Please baby, look at me.”

Hux stared forward. 

“Do you love me, Kylo?” 

“Oh my god, of course I do. What would make you think I-”

Hux turned to Kylo and kissed him, softly and sweetly.

“Then you have to do it. Please.” 

Kylo nodded. He wrapped his arms around Hux’s skinny frame. His arm snaked up Hux’s back to run his finger through the ginger’s hair. Hux buried his face in the other man’s neck, as he had so many times before. “I’m so empty.” Hux whispered as he began to sob. Kylo held him as he shook. He pulled his face up from Kylo’s shirt. “You have to do it,” he said. “Please, I need it to be over.” 

Kylo shook his head. “I thought I’d have a few more years with you, Baby. I thought you were coping.”

Hux said nothing.

“I did everything you asked,” Kylo continued. I thought I was helping. I thought it helped you feel something. I thought I helped you feel something.”

Hux turned back to the window, his eyes falling into a thousand yard stare once again. 

“Do you love me?”

Kylo grabbed Hux’s hands once again. He kept staring forward. “Again, of course I do, you don’t even need to ask, Baby.” 

“Then help me.” 

Kylo placed a kiss on Hux’s temple.

“Okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

For as long as he could remember, Hux had been sad. 

Blame it on his strict, militant father or his absent mother, the cause doesn’t matter now. 

For years Hux considered ending it himself, but the thought never sat well with him. Brendol Hux had taught his son that suicide was for cowards. When he saw the raw, red lines criss crossing his son’s wrists, Brendol told Hux to get it over with and cut lengthwise. When Hux did just that, Brendol nearly decided not to call an ambulance. And when Hux woke up in a hospital bed, his father offered to finish the job himself, as his son was obviously too much of a failure to even kill himself properly. It was Hux’s first and last suicide attempt. 

Many times Hux has considered trying to take his life again, and many times his father’s taunts of cowardice and failure had stopped him. Hux didn’t dare seek medical attention either. He began smoking cigarettes as a sort of self medication, and he busied himself with a career at a law firm in his small town. Here, Hux used his quick wits and glibness to expose loopholes in the law and help his clients get the most out of their suits, or receive the least prison-time possible. His career was fulfilling, but no amount of everyday heroism could fix a chemical imbalance. 

So many times Hux would miss a day of work because he couldn’t get out of bed, or his clients would notice the bags under his eyes and ask what was wrong. His friends or acquaintances would offer their own little home remedies - yoga, drinking more water, spirituality, weed, goal setting, The Seven Healthy Habits - he tried them all, and all failed. 

He would wake up, pick out a dress shirt and dress pants from a stack of identical articles, and go to work for eight hours. If he was having a good day, he’d then go to the bar, or the park, or to the grocery store. Most of the time he would just got home and lay in bed. He’d lay in bed and feel sorry for himself, wishing he had the willpower to do all the things he wanted to. For people with busy minds - for people like Hux -, depression is a killer.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that Kylo's backstory is longer and more detailed than Hux's. I had lived his more than Hux's.

For as long as he could remember, Kylo had been different. 

As a child he was always the top of the class. His adoring parents were his biggest fans, and at every opportunity they shoehorned him into extracurriculars which highlighted his skills.  
In first grade it was the Highly Capable program for math. Then, in second grade, he started to attend the Highly Capable class for reading as well. Third grade brought 90% percentile scores in all of the standardized tests. And in fifth grade, he was a promising member of the elementary Math team. 

His scholarly successes garnered the attentions of teachers and parents alike. But his peers were never as receptive. Glares, jabs, and insults followed him wherever he went. “Teacher’s Pet”, they’d whisper. “Nerd!”, they’d jeer. 

He didn’t understand their jealousy. He didn’t understand how they could be mad at him for being great. All his life little Ben Solo’s parents taught him that if you worked hard and payed attention in school, you could grow up and be anything you wanted. And here he was, working and paying attention, and all he wanted to be was liked, included, accepted.

Before he had even hit middle school, little Ben Solo learned his first lesson in socialization; it’s lonely on the top. 

He was so frustrated. Frustration manifested in anger. And anger manifested in violence. In first grade, Kylo brought a knife to school. In second, he gave a kid who teased him during tag a bloody nose. In third, he broke a kid’s arm during a false trust-fall.

“I just wanted to see what would happen... I thought it would be funny,” he’d say. 

Three times Kylo went to the principal’s office, and three times he charmed his way out of further punishment. Looking back, this should have been Kylo’s first indication that he wasn’t like the other kids. 

Middle school came with more distinction, more alienation, and more violence. The more Kylo hurt inside, the more charming, well rounded, and funny he got. Every day he felt farther and farther from his peers, and every day they felt closer to him. He joked with jocks and nerds alike at the lunch table while drawing spilled entrails in the margins of his science notebook. The problem was no longer alienation by his peers, Kylo was alienating himself. 

High school was the worst of all. Freshman year brought an interest in school shooters. His socialization become less fun and more of a cry for help. He was still smart, still funny, still charming, but the urges began to spill over into casual conversation. 

“Did you finish the biology homework? I skipped forward to the section of frog dissection, that’s my favorite. Did you know I love taxidermy?” 

Sophomore year brought Kylo’s first boyfriend. All went well until Kylo caught himself daydreaming of gutting his darling-dearest like a fish. They broke up after a month - all it took was for Kylo to scratch a little too hard, use too much teeth in a kiss, and threaten to kill anyone who came in between them. 

Before he had even graduated high school, little Ben Solo learned his second lesson in socialization; he didn’t express intimacy like others did.


End file.
